her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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