woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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