i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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