i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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