I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
