I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
