awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
