dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
