Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
