1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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