its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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