Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
