When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Houston, we have a blender
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk is not a location!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
