My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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