Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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