During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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