i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
