dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
