Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
