I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
