my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
