Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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