tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
