Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Fuck appropriateness.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
