So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
