4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
