I just saw a hot homeless man
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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