hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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