my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
