I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
where are you?
Hypothermia
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
