Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
