I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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