i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
