Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
