To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize