If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
