i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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