I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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