apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
