they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
