i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
