Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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