I wish my penis had an off switch
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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