Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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