There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
