Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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