The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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