Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
