I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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