Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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