you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
