I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
