I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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