my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
