i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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