i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
