We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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