he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I believe in your delicious
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
