I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
