Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
